Monday, February 8, 2010

My Type of Crazy

For as long as I can remember I have had to fight "my type of crazy". Although I have a few family members who share the same type of crazy, I still call it my crazy. When exactly it began I am unsure. It seems like I have fought it forever but at the same time I know that there were times when I wasn't sooo crazy. For the past month it seems like all I have been doing is fighting this craziness.
For example a few weekends ago my husband said he was going to the house to work on it for a couple hours so I could get a nap with Sariah, such a nice guy. (Couple means 2 in my brain and the English dictionary.) As he was leaving around 12:30 with Justin, he decided to take the minivan since I was napping. It is his car too. When he left he didn't leave me a key to his car. Nor did he take his cell phone because it had to be charged. So he leaves me with no way of being able to contact him via phone or driving over to see him. Oh and my Dad and his wife who live 2 miles away were out of town until 9pm. The stars were aligned just perfectly for my type of crazy to come out.
Nap time didn't go so well with little miss. After an hour of fighting with her to go to sleep we finally got up around 2 to watch a Veggie Tale. Thinking to myself, "James should be home in at least an hour."
By 3:30 James wasn't home and I was having to fight the thoughts of something terrible. What if he was tearing the drywall off the ceiling and a piece fell and pierced him in the leg cutting a major artery and he is bleeding to death? Or it fell and knocked him unconscious? Justin has no way of contacting me and he doesn't know any of our neighbors and we have taught him way to well not to talk to strangers.
4 o'clock comes and Sariah and I decide to take a walk outside to distract us from my crazy thoughts. What if he got in a car accident on the way home and he doesn't have any id that would send the police to our apartment since we are only living here for 2 months? Plus he doesn't have his phone so they don't know how to call his wife. We aren't Arizona residents yet so they can't look up his info. What if Justin was thrown from the car and they can't find him cause they didn't know he was in the car?
Sariah and I get back from the walk and start to make dinner. 5 o'clock comes and goes and they still aren't here. 5:30 and the sun is starting to set. I fill up the sink with dishes and the thoughts are coming like a mad person. We haven't turned the electricity on at the house since we just closed on it 2 days ago. I see Justin laying next to his dad in a cold dark house crying cause his dad is unconscious from lack of blood. Or I see a murderer who has come in and is torturing them to death. Or the minivan has a faulty fuel injection pump that ignigted and they were trapped in the car as it burned to the ground
As I stand at the sink washing dishes, I start to make plans of how I am going to get to the house to check on my boys. I can call the bishop or the Relief Society president and have them drive me over there. I practice over and over what I am going to say to them so they don't think I am super crazy. I then go through the whole scenario of what I am going to do if my thoughts are really true. How am I going to plan a funeral? How am I going to live without him? Where am I going to live? What am I going to do with our new house that won't sell because it is all torn up and people have died in it? How can I make sure that my kiddos remember there Daddy? Seriously are these not the craziest thoughts?
6:15 I am half-way through the dishes, (my goal is to finish the dishes before calling anyone for help) and the doorbell rings. Since living in our apartment the doorbell had never rung up to that point. My heart was in my throat and it was all I can do not to burst into tears as I went to the door. In my head the only person who could possibly be ringing the doorbell would be the police.
As I open the door as calmly as my type of crazy will allow, I see a cute little Justin with a big smile. He wanted to surprise me by ringing the doorbell. AAAGHH! They were alive, a huge sense of relief washes over me as I asked Justin why he rang the doorbell. James walks in and I tell him that I was worried. He says oh no need to worry, we are fine.
If he only understood the magnitude of my worrying and the way my type of crazy goes. Leaving at12:30 for a couple hours would be getting home at 2:30 or 3 the latest. 6:15 is almost 6 hours. Seriously!!!Needless to say there was a long conversation after the kids went to bed about being contactable and leaving me with a mode of transportation.
I would like to say that is where the crazy thoughts ended this month but they have not. I have had more then one day this month where I thought someone I loved was going to die. If James doesn't call me when he gets off work to let me know what time he will be home all sorts of things happen to him in my mind before he walks through the door. Not to mention all the thoughts I have of hot women throwing themselves at my super hot husband.
The thought I have almost daily is that someone is going to come and snatch Justin or Sariah from me. That one I can control more readily by always knowing where my kids are and what they are doing. But if Justin is 5 minutes late getting out of school I am practically hysterical, unless otherwise distracted. Seriously when they become teenagers what am I going to do? Hopefully they will learn that an informed mom is a happy mom. Hopefully by the time they are teenagers I will have a bit more control of my type of crazy. Maybe it will be gone. Here's hopin'.


bren hatch said...

It's good to know I'm not the only one lol

The Palmers said...

We gotta fight that crazy every day! I love you!

jkmace said...

Funny same thing happens to me all the time, and when Josh does arrive home I tell him about my "crazy" and his comment back was...I was just trying to give you some time away! Good thing we all have "crazy moments and we are not alone!!

megan said...

i so know what you mean. i could write paragraphs about how i know what you mean. it's awful, isn't it? my heart goes out to you. glad they are all ok!

Anonymous said...

I am SO your kind of crazy. :)

CaraDee said...

You poor baby! I am sorry that happens to you. (and apparently a lot of others as well) Have you thought about some help for that? Like ways to help deal with it? It sounds awful.